I was told I should write my story. At the time I wondered who would want to read my story. After having several friends and loved ones tell me the same thing over and over, I decided to give it a whirl.
It has been a deep healing process to write about my life. I have been extremely fortunate to have lived a full and happy life. Yet. . . I had no idea that I had so much anger and sadness tucked away in my shadow.
At nine months my rebellious old soul which refused to conform was already revealed. Crying after being fed and changed was considered worthy of being turned over to my father for a beating. Children are to be seen not heard.
My older sister said our dad had to win even if it meant black and blue handprints all over my body.
Yet, beating still was not enough to shut me up, and I continued demanding to be heard. My mother’s tactics for handling my crying if dad was gone, was to confine me to a crib. She considered giving any sort of attention to a well-fed-just-changed crying baby as spoiling. As a result, I developed learning disabilities due to confinement and lack of interaction as an infant.
This early abuse created a trauma so severe that it created a compartmentalized fear and rage within me. This fear and rage created a dual and conflicting personality. I had an angry voice that had a mission ‘to be heard’ and was also going to prove that I was not lovable. Simultaneously, I had a voice that felt extreme shame just for speaking, especially around women.
Therefore, I unconsciously believed I was damaged and needed fixing. As a projection, I attempted to ‘fix’ my loved one, my husbands, my children, so they would love me.
This painful conflict within was a never-ending struggle that caused me to work ridiculously hard in my life for love and money. I married a man with rage, who died when I was forty-two. I had three more marriages that carried similar patterns that I was not lovable. Energetically these negative patterns were created because my father wholeheartedly believed he had the right as the patriarch of three wives in a polygamous family, to beat his daughters into submission. My training to be submissive started earlier than most.
After I identified and dealt with the shadow inside of me through family constellations, I began to recognize that I was hearing the shadows of other people who are not being heard. I hear the voices of shame, blame and guilt in others, begging to be heard and released.
I believe I have this gift because I have lived with those unexpressed voices inside of me. I must have made promises to the ancestors to heal generations of shame, because the first time I heard about the constellation method I knew I had to find the best trainer available and learn it so I could share this gift with the world. I have been doing many methods of healing for years, but nothing has changed lives like this method.
I have been guided and taught how to create a vortex and bring love, light, and truth into the circle. I have an extraordinarily strong connection and commitment to the ancestors and in healing the traumas they took to their graves. I often see how individuals are living patterns passed on from ancestral trauma and how quickly their life changes when they address that. So naturally, I am deeply passionate about this shadow work.
I learned from my experience, that your shadow is never more powerful than your light. I was blessed with extreme faith, joy, and tenacity to match my shadow, I managed to raise eleven brilliant and accomplished children who make huge contributions to the world.
Family constellations provide a safe confidential container to release trauma while also not having to relive it. I am dedicated to bringing this internationally to the world.
I will be sharing my full story soon, stay tuned for more information…