I was told I should write my story. At the time I wondered who would want to read my story. After having several friends and loved ones tell me the same thing over and over, I decided to give it a whirl.
It has been a deep healing process to write about my life. I had no idea that I had so much anger and sadness tucked away in my shadow.
Before I decided to write my book, I was misrepresented in a book that was written and published by my sister as my story. It was actually quite traumatizing to see what she had published that was supposedly written by me. A betrayal which I have forgiven but has left an imprint on my heart. . . .
At nine months my rebellious old soul which refused to conform was already revealed. Crying after being fed and changed was considered worthy of being beat in my family by my father.
My older sister said our dad had to win even if it meant black and blue hand prints all over my body.
Yet, beating still wasn't enough to shut me up, and I continued demanding to be heard. My mothers tactics for handling my crying was to confine me to a crib. She considered giving any sort of attention to a well-fed-just-changed crying baby as spoiling. As a result, I developed learning disabilities due to confinement and lack of interaction as an infant.
This early abuse created a trauma so severe that it created a compartmentalized fear and rage within me. This compartmentalized fear and rage actually created within me a split personality. I had an angry voice that had a mission 'to be heard' and was also going to prove that I was not lovable. Simultaneously, I had a voice that felt extreme shame just for speaking, especially around women.
Therefore, I believed I was damaged and needed fixing. As a projection, I attempted to 'fix' others (my husbands, my children) so they would love me.
This conflict within, has caused me to work very hard in my life for love. I married a man with a rage and he died when I was forty-two. I had three more marriages which carried similar patterns. Energetically these negative patterns were created because my father wholeheartedly believed he had the right as the patriarch of three wives in a polygamous family, to beat his daughters into submission. My training to be submissive started earlier than most.
As I started identifying what actually needed fixing inside of me and addressing that. I began to hear the shadows of other people who are not being heard. I hear the voices of shame, blame and guilt in others, begging to be heard and released.
I believe I hear this because I have lived with those unexpressed voices inside of me. I must have made promises to the ancestors to heal generations of shame, because the first time I heard about the constellation method I knew I had to find the best trainer available and learn it so I could share this gift with the world. I have been doing many methods of healing for years but nothing has changed lives like this method.
I have been guided and taught how to create a vortex and bring love, light and truth into the circle. I have a very strong connection and commitment to the ancestors and in healing the traumas they took to their graves. I often see how individuals are living patterns of ancestral trauma and how quickly their life changes when they address that. So naturally, I am very passionate about this shadow work.
Constellations provide a safe confidential container to release trauma while also not having to relieve it. I'm dedicated to bring this internationally to the world.
I will be sharing my full story soon, stay tuned for more information...
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