Did You Wonder Why So Many Children Are Suicidal?
This story is written by a brave young man who has helped many others just by telling his story. He has been coming consistently to my constellation workshops. His struggle with these dark emotions ended well when he finally understood while facing into his shadow, that these thoughts did not belong to him. He discovered they were passed onto him by his grandfather. When your ancestors die, they do not take their negative energy with them, it stays in your family system until it gets resolved.
I was struck by his story because it does not always turn out well. So many young children are experiencing shadow from ancestral baggage and parental imprints just like this, but the outcome has not been as fortunate. . .
Since I was young I’ve carried the burden of very dark sexual energy and thoughts of pedophilia. I felt like something evil lived deep inside of me. It’s always been a mystery to me as to where these feelings came from. My home life wasn’t dark. My childhood was very sheltered. I was never sexually molested or neglected. So I wasn’t real conscious over the feelings that plagued me until I heard about Jeffrey Dahmer and his heinous crimes. In that moment I thought to myself that he is who I would become if I didn’t have good parents with good boundaries and a strict religion. An obsessive compulsive disorder started to form where I would feel compelled to think about inappropriate things with vulnerable individuals. It was like the darkness was looking for expression and putting thoughts in my head that I had never been exposed to before. I felt for sure I was some kind of pervert at my core. I felt the only explanation for this burden was that I was born some kind of mistake. I felt immense shame and fear for the things originating from my mind. Luckily I was raised with good boundaries and my default was to respect others and to resist the dark urges.
As I grew into adult hood, I struggled to handle the burden of my mind and I found myself compulsively addicted to shame inducing pornography, shame inducing masturbation practices, and shame inducing sex practices with anonymous men (consenting and legal). I felt the thoughts growing stronger to involve children, minors, and vulnerable adults in dark things and against their will. At my core I knew I didn’t want to hurt anyone and I knew that this kind of behavior devastates lives. I found myself defeated and suicidal. In my desperation, I joined a sexaholics anonymous 12 step group and decided I was going to bare my soul. If suicide was my future, I was going to rip the band aid off and expose my shame before I died. I was pretty sure the only places I belonged were either prison or the grave and I was going to get there before there were any casualties.
This was the start of some deep and transformational shadow work. That sounds very vague but essentially meant I was going to tell all my secrets and expose all my shame. I exposed my shadow side to whole groups of men and women and asked for their support. I shared all my dark thoughts and fears and shed the shame for carrying this darkness I didn’t understand. I shined light on the darkest places of my soul and found connection to the divine. I worked the 12 steps and embraced the light and found so much relief. I was taught to just accept that something wasn’t right in my brain. I was shown that despite what wasn’t right, many things were right about me. I was taught to focus on those things that were right and learn to cope and be content. Later this would bother me but for the time being it felt like huge relief to release the idea I was bad. I began to feel proud of myself and full of love for the whole of humanity. I knew I was safe and brave and kind and good. It was nothing short of miraculous. In time I moved on and created a new and joyful life for myself that involved beautiful and wholesome sexual practices and tons and tons of loving and affirming touch. I felt very free and like a shame conquering master.
My new freedom to navigate the world made me feel like I could fly. I was such an advocate for shadow work and bringing dark things to light and loving and understanding others. However, there were still issues in my life including fatigue and lack of money and the inability to be in a relationship. When the pandemic hit, getting sick was the catalyst that pushed my life to fall apart. I found myself living in my parents’ house feeling very broken. This left me again with little desire to live. It was a strange dichotomy to be so content with my life and my progress but then to also feel defeated and tired and less sure of myself. I wanted to fix what was wrong at a deeper level and not just cope any more. It was then that the universe moved me to cross paths with Shauna and it was then that I had my first real constellation. I had participated in constellation work before. In constellation work, a seeker comes forward with their dilemma and the practitioner orchestrates volunteers to represent the different energies or people involved in the seekers dilemma. It’s a very special and unique practice where the seeker can gather insight and information as the volunteers channel the energies they each represent. I was very used to standing in the circle and being asked to represent a person or a thing or a concept from someone else’s life. I was very familiar with the energy that would guide me as I volunteered to be of service. Shauna recommended that for my first time as a seeker that I do what is called a parental imprint constellation. In a parental imprint constellation we assigned volunteers to represent me and each of my parents and a few other energies like fear, anger, and divine feminine and masculine energies.
I stood in awe as I watched the energy in my field play in front of my very eyes. I saw so many things that were familiar to me. I just couldn’t believe the accuracy of what the volunteers where channeling. As the constellation played out, the most profound things started to surface that were not previously in my consciousness. The inspired woman who was assigned to represent the divine feminine energy in my ancestral field was in profound pain and was experiencing hurt and was outright sobbing. It began to surface that in my ancestral energy was a deep darkness that had been covered up. Some signs pointed to the idea that one or more ancestors were the perpetrators and/or victims of pedophilia. Shauna taught us that the true sin is in the secret and the real damage comes from hiding what a person has done more than in the act itself. Secrets stay in the energy field until they get exposed. The darkness needs to be brought to light. As I watched it being played out before my eyes, I could feel more consciously the burden that it was inside of me. I could understand why the dark pedophile thoughts plagued me and where they came from. I was born into them through my ancestry. The secrets were seeking exposure. Even though I had brought this burden to the light to the best of my ability through 12 steps, the best we could do was learn to cope with it and shrink it down and safe guard our actions through awareness and repetition. After all was said and done, I was still attached to the darkness. It still knocked on my door and swam in my energy. Coping with it was exhausting and clearly holding me back.
In a constellation, you not only see what is in your field, but you get to interact with it as well. We can separate from the heavy energies and cut the cords that connect it to us. It was clear that carrying this energy definitely affected my fatigue and lack of money and my inability to experience real intimacy. It felt so good to call it out. It felt so good to see it with my own eyes and to have all the people present see it and validate it. Together we could acknowledge the ancestral pain and honor it. The whole constellation was deeply loving and uplifting and life changing. I loved knowing that the dark pedophile energy that had plagued me my whole life started long before I was born and long before even my parents were born. I watched it play out in the circle how much my parents had also unknowingly been affected by this energy. It helped me to look past their short comings and understand and honor them at a deeper level. I could also feel and understand that my ancestors that perpetrated the pain were also victims of their societal restraints and religious oppression. I wasn’t even mad at them because I could feel their inner turmoil and see the pain through the volunteers as they channeled. This realization really helped me to feel compassion for them and forgive and release them from any further judgments. I felt so grateful for what they did with what they had…and… I felt EVEN MORE PROUD of myself!!! The perspective that we are born into a complex energetic soup created by our ancestors really changed my perspective on everything. I no longer felt like I was someone broken who had needed to be fixed. I felt like a whole person with noble intent. Shauna taught that the specific mix of our family and ancestral energy provides the necessary exposure for our souls to grow and expand into what they crave to be. None of it is a mistake. I was on track. Things were all right. This one constellation has shifted so much for me and seems to have shifted everything between my parents and I. It has opened me up to a much deeper level of self love and inner healing. I feel more free of the ancestral burden although I still feel like there is some work to be done. I still feel like there is something that wants to shift or been seen or be exposed. As I find what is next, I am grateful that clearing my parental imprint has freed me up to wield so much more love and acceptance. I am so excited to be on this path and so pleased with the results of this one experience.